No Hope
by liz864
Summary: What would you do if the love of your life died because of you? What would you do if they fell one day from the sky not remembering anything?...bad summary please give it a chance.


**Hello everyone no sadly this is not a Twilight fanfic, in fact this is not ever a fanfic, this is a story i have come up with myself. I only put under twilight because those fics are my fave and theres no place to put regular writings. For those of you who read my Twilight fanfic Sick, this is one of the stories i was talking about when i put the notice up. I know this site isn't meant for regular writings but i've tried fictionpress before and got no response what so ever. So please, I'm asking you that if you leave a review don't tell me to go that site or yell at me for putting this here, i don't even know if I'll continue it, it'll depend on what kind of reception i get. This is the first thing i have ever written and it was two years ago but now i can't stop thinking about it. Please leave a review and tell me what you think I don't care if you tell me its crap just please don't tell me to go to fictionpress thanks. And as i always say with Sick, please enjoy and review! **

**Just as notice like with Sick i will not continue this story if i dont get a good reception. **

Welcome to hell. That's what should be on the door to my math classroom. No other words describe how torturous this class was. Don't give me that 'oh you're over reacting it can't be that bad' bullshit cause I've heard it one too many times, and I don't want to hear it anymore. You just don't understand how excruciating this class is for me but since I have nothing better to do I might as well try and tell you.

First off, this is Geometry, enough said. I personally believe that after you learn the basics – you know addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division- everything is just pointless crap. Why the hell do I need to know how to find the volume of a cylinder anyway? It's not like later in life my boss is going to ask me to find the volume of his soda can. He can look on the side if he really wants to know.

Second, I don't exactly excel in math, but I'm not in special Ed or anything like that. I'm one level below the rest of my class for example I'm a sophomore and this is a freshmen class. So none of my friends are in this class and there's a bunch of annoying freshmen. That's one of life great mysteries whether it be high school or college freshmen are always annoying, but no one knows why that is.

Those two reasons should be enough as to explain why I can't stand it. Normally I try and skip this class as much as possible; unfortunately my teacher happened to be walking behind me at the end of my last class. But in all honesty those weren't the reasons I hated the class so much.

It was because there were no distractions. There was nothing to occupy my mind with no friends to talk to and me practically wanting to kill everyone else –cause they were annoying and I'm only joking lets get that clear I'm not some homicidal teenager-I had little to do to occupy my mind. My other classes could sometimes hold my interest if I was desperate, but I've heard about triangles one too many times in this class to care.

I needed to occupy my mind; I had to be doing something or talking to someone at every point in the day everyday of the week. If I didn't my mind would start to think about her and…..

"RYO!" The teacher screamed at me.

"What!?" I said startled practically jumping out of my sit.

"If you had been paying attention you know I just asked you to answer question number one." She told me.

The other kids in the class started to laugh, apparently they thought me spacing out and getting yelled at was humorous. THAT'S IT! I can't take it anymore I had to get out of that dam class before I killed someone and I didn't care how.

"Now what is the answer to question one?" She asked me clearly annoyed.

"I don't know." I responded

"Well if you had been paying attention maybe you would know the answer." Her tone implied that she saw me as being inferior to her

"Well…" I said knowing the next thing I said would be my ticket out of this hell hole. "Maybe if you were a better math teacher I might know the answer" she looked at me in disbelief. And of course all the damn freshmen made that "ooooooooooooooooo" noise. Idiots!

"How dare you speak to me like that young man?"

"I only speak the truth Ms. Barnes."

"How dare you, you little!-"

"With all do respect ma'am," I said cutting her off with a smirk, I trying to tick her off and clearly it was working. "I'm taller than you." It was true after all, I was about 6.2 and she was only about 5.5.

"That's it Ryo! I'm not going to stand here while you insult me get out and go to the office." I got up and sighed with fake annoyance in my tone trying to cover up the fact that I was happy to be leaving. As I walked out the kids in the class had watched me the whole time in shock at what I was doing and hoping I would say more.

"You know." I said from the doorway "I consider myself the lucky one after all these poor kids have listen to another one of your damn lectures about shapes." And with that I walked out, the entire room filled with silence.

I walked down the hall happily that'd I gotten out of that class. What made this even better was that now she would be even bitterer towards me and it would be easier for me to get sent to the office.

"Hello Ryo." The secretary said as I walked in the office.

"Hi Agnus." Agnus was the aging secretary that worked in the office she was so old no one exactly knew when she started working here, most people just thought she was there once they finished building the school. As old as she was though, Agnus was ok in my book and due to the numerous times I had to come here and wait to speak with the principal we got to know each other pretty well.

"So what'd you do this time?" She asked.

"I guess I kind of insulted Ms. Barnes."

"Kind of?" She said knowing I was lying as she raised both her eyebrows and tilted her head down.

"Ok I insulted her" I admitted.

"Ryo why would you insult her?" She asked slightly disappointed.

Over her many years working here Agnus was always trying to figure out why kids cause trouble and was disappointed in them when they did. Most kids would think this is sincere and of sweet of her. Some even go to her if they had a problem.

I saw a different side. I wondered whether she was really trying to help these kids Maybe she was just bored and wanted to see what was going on in the school. Maybe the school had her ask the kids what was wrong and try and get close to them in order to make sure none of them were going to go crazy one day and kill everyone. Maybe she just wanted to see what made kids do bad things like in weird social experiment she had going on in her mind and didn't really care about helping them. She did seem kind most of the time like she did really care about the motives behind the students evil deeds.

Since she was always nice to me, I decided I could be honest around her, plus all my theories behind her questioning gave me things to occupy my mind with, which, I guess made me some what grateful. But I was still careful about what I said; I didn't want to get close to anyone especially not someone as ancient as Agnus. Her time would be up soon, when I come to school in the morning sometimes I wonder if she's dead yet.

"I did it on purpose I couldn't stand to sit through another one Ms. Barnes lectures about shapes." I told her.

"Hmm?" She said "I can't exactly say I blame you then." It was comments like this that made me like her.

"Still it's not right you know better than that." I had a hunch she said things like this because it was part of her job.

"Yea, yea I know." I told her she leaned in and whispered.

"I understand though I know that I would not want to sit through a math class taught by her." She laughed and I chuckled.

"Still though Ryo what worries me more than anything is your record."

Ah my record, bigger than the bible, and some of the over-sized text books were forced to carry around. Every rule I've broken, every bad word I've said, every class I skipped, every teacher I insulted, it had it all. I wondered how they managed to catch me misbehaving all the time; maybe I had a camera on me or something. I didn't get in trouble on purpose, I just did whatever I wanted, when I wanted and could give a shit about the consequences.

"Don't worry about it I'll be fine." I told her

"Not with this record you won't. It's going to make things very difficult for you when you apply to colleges." As if I even cared about college or my future. I'd figure something out, by an old place and sell shit or something not a main concern of mine.

"I'll see what I can do." I said wanting to drop the subject as I walked over to the chairs and sat down.

Suddenly the door opened and I heard a small voice.

"Hi Agnus, just came to deliver this" It was Aina, another freshmen.

By the way I don't want you to think I'm some kind of racist towards freshmen. I don't judge people before I get to know them, and I've had plenty of time to get to know them and trust me they're all annoying.

Aina on the other hand, she was okay. She was small, skinny and very shy; I had my gym class with her since they mixed the grades for what ever reason. I often noticed her eyeing me, and when she saw me on the office she got rather nervous, obviously she had a crush on me.

Unfortunately for her it was a pointless. Aina had a lot going for her friends, good grades, loving family, if she started dating me it would end badly for her and I don't want to trouble anyone with my problems.

"H...hi Ryo." She said turning red looking at the ground.

"Hey what's up?"

"N...not much well…umm…I'll see you later bye." She said walking out red an as apple.

"I think someone likes you." Agnus said "But don't you already have a girlfriend?" I shook my head.

"We broke up."

"Oh I'm sorry."

"It's okay." It really was ok I didn't care at all. My relationship with my old girlfriend Kelly was not that great.

Kelly was a nice girl and pretty cool too, and attractive lots of my other friends would eye her when we went out together. But I just didn't like her like that. I only saw her as a friend. I'd hold her and feel nothing, kiss her and feel nothing, and had no desire to hold her hand in public. I had to break it off. She took it pretty good and understood where I was coming from. I had a feeling she felt the same way, turns out I was wrong.

"I'm ok with this, I noticed you didn't feel the same way." she said

"What do you mean?"

"Well I do like you Ryo…like that….but if you don't feel the same way I understand." I was shocked I thought for sure she only thought of me as a friend.

"Can we still be friends?" She asked

"Yea I like you Kelly you're nice I just can only see us as friends sorry." She shook her head.

"It's fine." We hugged and that was the end.

Dating was really complicated for me. I've had a few girlfriends but they always broke off just like with Kelly. I never asked them out though, they always confessed to me and usually I figured why the hell not. Although, I never saw any of them as more than a friend. Some of them understood others didn't. I was a little upset when they didn't want to be friends because I like having people to hangout with.

My friends would wonder about me though sometimes. They were interested in one thing and one thing only. And if they could find a girl that they liked to hangout with when they weren't doing that one thing, they'd keep her around for a little while. It never lasted long though, they'd cheat at some point, and since the girls weren't really much better some times they would cheat too. After all, looks were a big thing in my group.

Me on the other hand, I didn't really care if I got that one thing, its not that I didn't want it, its just I didn't care if it happened. My friends often cracked me about my sexuality because I didn't care if I got it.

"Seriously man what's the big deal? Just find a girl already." My friend Tom said to me one day "What the hell are you searching for? What is it you want?"

It was then that I realized I didn't know what I wanted or what I was looking for and I still don't. The only thing I did know is that I could only view a girl as a friend and nothing more, but I think I know why.

"Come on in Ryo." The principal told me and I got up and walked inside, he let out a sigh as I took my seat.

"Ryo my boy." He said. My boy? What the hell?

"I'm beginning to feel that you're spending more time in here than in you're actually classes." These types of lectures bore me incredibly but there still not as bad as my math class.

Mr. Thompson had got a pretty good routine for whenever I came to visit him. He would make some snide remark about me always being there, ask what I did, why I did it, and find a punishment he thought was sufficient. Again, this bored me but it was able to make me pay attention since he would ask me lots of questions and I was curious about my punishment whatever it maybe.

My favorite was to be suspended this way I could avoid this hell hole altogether, and since both my parents leave early and come home late I could pretty much do whatever I wanted. Suspension in my opinion was the dumbest punishment ever though, what kid would be upset about missing school?

"So what'd you do this time?" He asked.

"Insulted Ms. Barnes about her teaching skills."

"Now why would you do that? Ms. Barnes is a very good teacher." I shrugged; apparently he's never actually sat down and observed one of her classes.

"I don't know I was bored and I figured I might as well be honest about how felt about her teaching skills." He let out a heavy sigh as he looked down and scratched his bald head. He must have used shoe polish or something on that thing because the reflection from the light caused me to go blind for a minute.

"Ryo….I…I'm at the end of my rope here." Interesting, was he giving up on me?

"You have detention practically everyday but you never go, then you have Saturday detentions pretty much for the rest of the school year but you don't go to them either, the only punishment you actually serve is suspension." Hint hint.

"I've called your parents in about this numerous times but they always seem to be busy, but when I did speak to them they assured me they would address these issues." Yea and they did I just didn't care and I didn't bother to pay attention when they yelled at me. They tried to ground me but it's not like they could cause their never around.

"Not to mention your grades are not exactly something to be proud of." They would be better if I did the homework….and studied….and didn't fail every test and quiz.

"So what's going to happen?" I asked not really caring. "Am I going to get expelled?" Again not caring if I did.

"Well…not quite."

"What do you mean?"

"Ryo after discussing it with some of your teachers and you're reviewing your record we've come to a conclusion about you."

"A conclusion?"

"You're depressed."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Depressed? Was he high? How the hell could he say I was depressed I've never spoken to him aside from these visits to his office.

As much as I hated to admit that he was right I was depressed, I just can't believe he managed to figure it out. Although, I'm not your average depressed person. Moping around and crying for no reason, I have a reason.

In the beginning I was though, always sad, never talking about it. I only cried once when it first happened. Afterwards I was just sad constantly never did much just hid in my house alone doing whatever I felt like. After awhile I got tired of it, I was tired of always feeling sad and like shit, I started to get angry. If anyone so much as looked at me the wrong way it ended with blood. I was just so sick of feeling sad I wanted it to end but I didn't know how. I managed to calm down so shifted from being angry to just….not caring…..about anything. I didn't care about school, eating, sleeping, my future, nothing. The only thing I did care about was keeping my mind occupied, when it wasn't it would wonder and I'd start to think of her which caused…..

"Ryo!" Mr. Thompson shouted.

"What!?" I said startled yet again, he let out a sigh.

"That another thing your teachers have been noticing your constantly zoning in and out, totally unaware of what's going on around you."

"So? Look can you can just get to my punishment?"

"Fine we suspect that you keep zoning out because of drugs so for next couple of weeks you'll be pulled aside for random drug screenings"

Great, just great, that's the last thing I needed, being pulled out of class to piss in a cup then have it tested. Although they should be suspicious I am a druggy and an alcoholic, helps me escape from this prison called my life for a few hours.

"And…" He started

"And?"

"You're going to be meeting with the schools counselor from now on." Even better.

"Great so you guys think I'm crazy right?"

"Hardly we think you're depressed and want to help you that's all."

"Thanks but no thanks I don't need any help from anyone."

"Don't say no right away."

"Why?"

"Well we decided to give you a choice obviously hours upon hours of detention don't seem to bother you so we decided that every hour you spend with the counselor will be taken off of your detention hours."

Hmm, interesting I hated detention there was nothing to do to occupy my mind so I never went. I didn't really care about my hours piling up, just the fact that in the end I wouldn't be able to take my finals and would have to come in the summer. But even that didn't matter, I would just skip the final and deal with whatever happened, it didn't matter to me.

"Fine." I told him.

"Excellent." He said. "Now you will have to come on Saturday mornings as well these are just like detention hours."

"What ever." Like I'd give up my Saturday mornings to sleep in to talk to some idiot about my problems.

"Say?" I asked him, "Why are you doing all this? Why are you guys giving me special treatment?" I had every right to wonder it's not like this happened often.

"Well you see Ryo it's because we were reviewing your record not just your high school record." This had caused me to pay attention.

"Your whole record from when you first started elementary school."

"Why?"

"Because Ryo, you never were exactly a perfect student since you've started high school, well in the beginning of your freshmen year you weren't as bad as you are now."

"So?"

"So we did a check of your record during elementary and middle school you did very well in the beginning of elementary school but your grade slowly started to decline during middle school, but it was nothing serious its rather typical."

"Look can you just skip over the details and get to the point?"

"We were trying to confirm something Ryo."

"Confirm?"

"Yes confirm, we wanted to know what made a student who had such potential turn in to what sits before me….and we were right" I knew what the next thing that came out his mouth would be and I knew it would make me snap.

"You started to turn rotten right around when Mya died-"

"SHUTUP! JUST SHUTUP!"

"Ryo there's no need to get upset it was a tragic thing but you need to move past this and we can help."

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW!? YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL! AND YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT TO HELP ME!"

"That's not true and there's no reason for you to raise your voice."

"LIKE HELL THERE ISN'T! YOU DON'T REALLY WANNA HELP ME! YOU JUST FIGURED IF YOU CAN TURN SOME ROTTEN TEENAGER AROUND IT WOULD MAKE YOU AND THIS SHITHOLE OF A SCHOOL LOOK GOOD!"

"Regardless our offer still stands on the counseling." Maybe he was expecting me to throw a fit he was acting rather calm, after all I was insulting and yelling at him.

I stood there for a moment after that last comment glaring at him. My whole body full anger and rage, he was the last person I wanted to speak to about her. I couldn't take it anymore I didn't want to be here, I didn't want see anyone, I didn't want to hear anyone, in all honesty I wanted to hit something even if it was a person.

"I'M LEAVING!"I shouted as I bolted towards the door.

"You can't leave its only 8th period"

"I'M SKIPPING THEN! AND I DON'T CARE! GO ADHEAD AND ADD TO MY HOURS SEE WHAT I CARE!" I shouted walking out of the office and down the hall. Not to my surprise he followed after.

"You can't leave!"

"THE HELL I CAN'T!" I said as I continued walking.

"Fine this will be added to your hours but keep something in mind."

"WHAT!?" I said not caring whatever the hell it might be.

"If you don't complete either your hours through detention or counseling you will be expelled."

"FINE BY ME I CAN'T STAND THIS SHITHOLE ANYWAY." And with that I left.

The walk home gave me sometime to think things over in my head. I didn't regret yelling at him, he deserved it, that bastard making it sound like he knows everything about me. What the hell does know? He doesn't know a damn thing about me. He doesn't understand what it was like for me. And I sure as hell wasn't going to be cured by a couple of hours of counseling.

Although I did think over what he had said I figured a few hours of counseling wouldn't be as bad as being expelled. It wasn't that I was afraid of how that would look on my resume or anything like that, no I don't want to be expelled because I'd rather not go to a new school with a bunch of people I don't know. Not to mention it seemed pointless since I would graduate in two years.

I'd rather take the counseling than the detention, at least then I could occupy my mind by talking to the counselor. I doubt he would be able to help me though. Probably send me to a real therapist and then put on some meds. Even if that did happen I wouldn't take them, my sadness, my anger my pain, I've grown quite accustomed to them recently. I thought of not feeling them anymore, what it would be like and I didn't like it. I've had this pain for quite awhile now, if I ever managed to get rid of it I would probably miss it.

I suppose the best way to describe my pain is a giant hole in my chest, like a giant piece of me is missing. In the beginning I had to keep putting my hand on my chest I because I thought there really was a giant gaping hole going right through me. Part of me actually thinks that it would have been less painful to have had a giant hole in me. When I was angry it was because I was so sick of that damn hole. Always bugging me no matter what I did and who I did it with, but now I guess I've gotten used to it. I think I would miss it if it ever left. That probably sounds crazy though.

Maybe I am nuts, maybe I am crazy; maybe I do need therapy and pills. Maybe I'm so crazy that I have to go to a nut house and get shock therapy or something. If I went I don't know if I'd care, I'd probably miss hanging out with my friends but that's probably it. That's the only thing I really enjoy is going out with them. We did stupid crap all the time like the guys on jackass because we don't know what else to do. Its fun though, takes my mind off things, even if it does end with me or someone else getting hurt.

When we didn't do stupid shit we got high or drunk, which in all honesty was my favorite thing to do. I would lose consciousness for a couple of hours and finally be able to relax. That was my all time favorite thing to do, that or sleep. Anything that would allow me to escape from this miserable prison called my life. I started to laugh while thinking about this.

"That stupid counselor will probably think I'm suicidal" I thought while laughing. It wouldn't shock me if he did think that he had every right to. The thought had crossed my mind quite a few times. Shoot myself in the head, slit my throat, or stab myself in the heart. Sure it'd be painful but it would probably be nothing compared to the pain I've already been through. I don't know why I hadn't killed myself to be honest, If I got hit by a car on the way home and I died I wouldn't mind. I wasn't afraid to die, it's weird it just felt like something was holding me back from actually going through with it.

I'd doubt anyone would really miss me. My parents might a little, but after all the shit I pulled at school and stuff, they probably wouldn't care, and it might even be a weight off their shoulders. Its not like I'm close with them anyway I never see them. My friends might care a little, but there a bunch of stoner idiots so I think they'd be okay. The school would probably plant a tree and get a plaque in remembrance of me or something. Then they would probably have an assembly about the dangers of suicide. In reality they would probably all be thinking good riddance. I was just a trouble maker, a rotten teenager who doesn't do anything or give a shit about

anything. Who would miss someone like that?

I don't know what will happen to me and I don't care if I go to heaven or hell or where ever. What I do want though is to be able to watch my funeral and have the ability to read peoples minds. It's curiosity more than anything. I want to see how many people actually show up, and I want to be able to know how many people actually care I died. I want to be able to pick out those who just showed up out of courtesy from those who are actually sad that I'm dead.

As I walked in my dogs started to bark.

"SHUTUP!" I screamed I knew it wouldn't do anything but I was pretty ticked I wasn't in the mood to hear noise, and I felt like yelling at something. I had gotten the mail when I came in.

"Shit, shit, and more shit." I said tossing it. I don't know why I got the mail its not like I was expecting a letter or anything.

I walked over to the fridge and took out a beer and chugged it. After I closed the fridge I saw a spider on the handle. I watched it crawl up it the top of the fridge. I crushed the can in my hand.

"GOD DAMMIT!" I shouted as I threw my half empty beer can against the wall.

"SON OF A GOD DAMN BITCH" I slammed my hands against the counter. I can't take it anymore I'm about to kill someone. I ran down in to my basement in a fit of rage as fast as I could. I removed the loose pieces of the wall and pulled out my stash. Only after one puff I could already feel myself pain and rage melting away.

"Ah why I can't I just stay high forever?" There's no hope

for me, none at all. I'm a lost cause, just waiting for death. When I do die I hope no one cries for me, their tears will be wasted. I woke up the next morning totally dazed.

**Huge thanks to my friend and beta Loulabelle i really appreciate all the help you given me! thanks so much!**


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